UNSOLICITED MAIL
Jul 15th, 2008 by Keith Chaloner
This morning my mail included a large A4 envelope correctly addressed to me, not The Occupant, not The Householder, me, Mr Keith Chaloner. So what you say; happens all the time, offers of cruises to far off places and holidays galore.
Then there is the specifically targeted mail; I started getting letters and brochures from SAGA maybe 7 or 8 years ago. I didn’t ask for them and I certainly didn’t want them. Wasn’t SAGA something to do with old people? I got quite irritated and they went in the bin without so much as a glance; well that was until last year when someone told me that they did a good line in holiday insurance, and so I got a little closer to thinking that maybe I was being a little unreasonable not to at least glance at what they continued to send me. But I digress.
My mail this morning contained a brochure, some loose ‘flyers’ and a letter. The letter started, ‘Hello! I would like to introduce myself. My name is Kerry Miles, and my colleagues in the office are Julie, Debbie, Elaine, Cherry and Steph.’ How charming I thought; how nice of Kerry to write and tell me about her nice colleagues. I started wondering about Steph. And whether ‘she’ is equally feminine or perhaps Stephen….and the odd male in this delightful establishment that writes to strange men.
I read on. Kerry informed me that they stock a ‘wide range of special beds, baths, wheelchairs’ and a host of other products ‘all designed to make your life easier’. It got better, they ‘offer a great selection of Coseyfeet and Sandpiper shoes and slippers’.
It gets even more interesting:
The next paragraph ‘also offers an extensive range of incontinent products’…………incontinent products? do these charming ladies think I am OLD?
And they haven’t finished yet with their seductive offers; ‘Our experienced health care advisors will be happy to arrange a free demonstration of the larger items of equipment’.
I just could not wait to open the brochure and found an ‘Aladdin’s Cave’ of things you just could not do without, from ‘SlipLift Pants Aid’ to help raise ones under garments whilst sitting down; to ‘Animal Squeezers which are fun-to-squeeze and can be used for hand exercises and playing’. If anyone fancies a game of squeezing a Pig or Horse, just let me know.
Should I be pleased to know that when I get really old and incontinent Kerry and even Steph. will rush to answer my ‘phone call? Perhaps one day I will even need a visit by an ‘experienced health care advisor’!
In the meantime if anyone would like a fairly newish brochure of ‘Aids for Living a better life’ just call me.
Keith
